Dear RSPCA (Burwood.)

Hi guys... just wanted to send you guys my THANKS for letting me take Prince home. 

About sixteen years ago Prince, a little golden Pomeranian x,  was found wandering the streets in Kew. He was given to RSPCA Burwood and sometime during his time there he got his teeth into rat poision... which you guys took onboard, gave him treatment, cared for him, and extended his time when he'd recovered. :) Lucky you did!

I showed up with my mum, about 11 years old in 1997, and went straight for a cattle dog. Prince leapt about on his hind legs like a kangaroo and... I ignored him. Mum and the attendent thought cattle dog was too much for me (could be right) and I was pretty annoyed... and so I eyed a Lassie dog.

Prince bounced around on his hind legs like a kangaroo and fixed his eyes on us harder still. I noticed him about this time, strange little creature who had short scraggly fur, full of energy and ego. I was still pissed off but... something in me knew Prince had adopted me and that was that. So I adopted him right back. 

You guys told me he was about 3 or 4. I took him home and he stood with his feet on my thighs and his paws on the dashboard inspecting the world as he escaped the RSPCA.  And boy did we have issues with him. We don't have fences (something which I imagine would prevent adoption these days) so everytime the door was open... WOOSH. Out went the bizarre little creature. As fast as he could.

Luckily we caught him every single time. He even got taken to the local vet once who knew exactly who he was and what to do with him.

He got all his fur back though, became a beautiful little foxy Pomeranian x with big expressive dark eyes, perfect with disabled children. We had a little mentally disabled boy who would pick Prince up and wheel around the house in his wheelchair with Prince taking it all in his stride.  Nightmare to feed though - Prince just ate what he wanted. Which wasn't a lot. He was super suspicious of everything we tried to offer him. (I figured out a trick though- I had to pretend to eat it, shove him away a lot, make it small and make it clear I wanted it ... as soon as I walked away he'd gobble it all up.)

Then he was suddenly needed for ME- Because at 16 I had my own mental breakdown and had to struggle with severe depression and suicial times. I honestly don't know where I would have been without Prince. It was a really bad time and I only really started to recover in my mid twenties when I was diagnoised with Bipolar II and BPD. Realistically speaking I could have done with a therapy dog (and probably still do need one) but I wouldn't even know where to have started asking for help.

We almost lost him last year when he started to poop blood. Spent hundreds on the vet, even on newstart, just trying to get him to eat food and the day we scheduled to have him put down...

Prince started eating of his own choice. Totally recovered within a few days.  He did not want to be put down yet. We still don't know what caused it.

So here we are. 16 years later, Prince is around 19-20, and he honestly has no clue what age he is. He's gone mostly deaf (except for high noises like whistles or claps), partly blind with cataracts, bad teeth means he doesn't chew, wets the bed sometimes, gets a bit cold in winter (the frog is his hot water bottle... if the blissed out look isn't obvious) and rarely he dislocates a hip. He hasn't barked or whined for about three years now- he communicates with sneezes, stares, and his favorite game... 'I'm leading you somewhere so follow me'. We're trying to stop him eating dirt. Not sure why he's doing that.


Hopefully it will be a long time before I thank you ... and come to seek a new friend to be beside me through mental illness... a long time before I tell you of his departure from this world. A LONG time. He is very happy with us.  We might not be the ideal family by the RSPCA standards these days- no fence, unemployed and pensioner, but Prince is family and he never goes without vet or comfort. (He literally has SIX different beds depending on how hot or cold it is... Not including the weird places we find him, in baskets of clothing... dirty wet or clean..., in wardrobes, on beds, curtains, front window, on shoes in summer, on bags, IN bags, on a pile of cushions on the couch, IN the cushions.... )


Thank you for letting us take him home! :)  If anyone who works there was there when we adopted him... YES. He's still alive and still going strong. 

Stress - it ain't all rosy.

I have been having a lot more difficulty staying positive over the past week and so I decided to delay a post... for a day (and then it turned into two days, three, ect) until I WAS positive again.

But you know what? No one said this was going to be a rosy journey full of sunshine and rainbows. So I'm going to continue trying to be authentic.

This entire process is driving me batshit crazy.

There's no other way to describe it!

I haven't lost weight. I made it to 149kgs and I've been swaying backwards and forwards between 149.5kgs and 150.5 kgs. And I don't know why. I am doing everything exactly how I'm meant to be doing it.

I'm tempted to cheat NOW... two weeks in and I haven't lost any weight... but I won't.

Nope.

I'll have to keep trying.

Hunger, hunger, why do you return?

It's not back completely but it's still a niggly little naggy feeling. I've got habits that seem to want to come back - eating a second helping, eating after 7pm, eating after midnight, or eating the entire lot of something that tastes really good.

It's kind of frustrating.

I've been tired too. My body is exhausted very fast over the past few days. But I do want to start exercising.  I kind of wish I could afford curves- they do have a routine that I could do. Money is a problem as well.

Okay. I'm a bit moody still. I can't deny that. The hunger is making me irritable and frustrated with everything... I want to snap, run away from the house when I smell food, and have become strangely obsessed with raisin toast for some reason. Images of it have popped up in my ads on Facebook! (Thanks, ad trackers. Really.)

Yesterday when I went to the shops to get some things I just kept saying 'nope, nope, no, no' under my breath. I hope it was under my breath! (Did I mention this yesterday?)

Anyway. I'm trying to be positive. I suppose some of this is going to be harder than other days and motivation isn't always going to be at an all time high...

Blood test tomorrow morning!

Day Six/Day Four.

I feel like I have that wrong... but let's go with that for now.

Last night's nightmare involved white bread. Eating it. Remembering I was on this meal replacement program and thinking 'Oh fuck, now I have to go BACK TO THE START.'  I did end up having a few mouthfuls of peanut butter in the middle of the night... suspect that's more to do with my 'monthly' need for extra protein and iron than anything. I had been eyeballing the vege mince earlier that day.

It's been a little tough but it IS getting easier. I got a bit 'grungry' after having to go to two shops for some vege protien and vegetables... so it's not perfect. Not by a long shot. Being in a shop full of food is not helpful. Esspically when I have a perfect memory of how each thing IN those shops tastes... I can literally recall any and every taste/texture/smell of food I've eaten.

And right now I can smell toasted rasin bread.

So while the hunger is muted... it's still there. And my sense of smell seems to be heightened now.

Not sure if I really can face leaving the house again, honestly, not with this heightened sense of smell. Not even to be social. Urgh. Gonna grumble and be depressed around this house all day instead. Be hormonal and cranky. Drink tons of water. Try to not stress myself out over problems and issues and pressure and jobs and housing and money and...

Nope, nope, nope. Not happening.

Tastebud Cravings

Mouth Hunger. Urgh. It's not a fun kind.

I guess I'll share some tips... but fair warning, this going to contain some tips that your dietitians will probably not approve of. But I'm going to share anyway. I'm not qualified, yada yada yada, talk to doctor if concerned...

Basically, hunger isn't all from the stomach. If you've been struggling with your weight for months then you know that- you might be vaugely aware of a hunger with or without the stomach getting involved or maybe you're really aware of it. Anyway.

Since I started this (day five, day five, day three of the rapid drink!) a LOT of my hunger has been 'mouthy'. Basically ... it seems to center in my mouth. I crave things from my tastebuds. I crave texture, weight, shapes, and there was a point where just seeing a specific color would connect my brain to an iced vovo even though that color was a dress.

This has actually happened everytime I try a meal replacement diet so I was kind of prepared. If I hadn't done it before then I probably would have been a bit shocked at how STRONG that feeling was... how badly I needed to CRUNCH. SALT. TASTE. CHEW. (Sorry, brain, know these words also tempt!)

This was esspically bad just before the lapband corrective surgery- I needed to be on optifast for two weeks before the surgery and it was pretty bloody serious I do that.

Well. I struggled. I wasn't exactly living in a supportive enviroment for that diet- sorry dad, love you, but you know it's true!- in that Dad would cook something that smelt great and he would go 'Well, come on, it's just one day, you can eat...' and wham. My tastebuds and stomach agreed. My brain did not. Brain lost. And all of a sudden it was a week to the surgery.

So I had to come up with something quick. He meant well but he wasn't helping and I was supposed to be helping the surgeon make the surgery easy on me.

Quickly I'll explain that- optifast reduces fat in the liver quickly. During a lapband surgery they have to move the liver out of the way... making the liver smaller and taking out fat in a fatty liver means that they can do it without stressing me out too badly... makes it a quicker surgery.

So anyway, I had to do something, and my 'tastebud cravings' weren't going to go away with Dad being so supportive of food appreciation.

This is going to sound a little gross... but here we go.

Basically what I did was chew food. Spit it out. Wash mouth out with water thougherly. Drink a glass of water. Chew some more if I needed to. Repeat the water. Keep that up till the cravings were dead. Brushing teeth after drinking the water could sometimes turn me off eating too... toothpaste taste and food taste don't usually go together.

I don't recommend it for anyone unless you're about to snap and break your diet. Here I am on day three of the rapid phase and the mouth cravings for chewing are pretty okay so far, nearly 8am, and I suspect it'll get easier. So indulging the urge to chew might help you get through a near-breaking point... which is a better outcome than eating as you'll feel a hell of a lot better... but it might prolong the time it takes for the body to relax on that urge.


Anyway. It helped me. But I am not doing it this time... better to chew on a carrot than do the 'chew and spit' thing.

Good news! I didn't dream of eating food last night! Okay. I had a dream about it yesterday afternoon- I dreamed that I was eating a box of chocolate... and I even said in the dream 'I have to keep eating this and enjoying it as long as possible... when I wake up I have to diet!' ... so I got some chocolate fix in my dreams.

This morning I feel kinda full after the drink and two cups of water. It's a nice feeling.

Day4 / Day 2 of the rapid diet phase.

I am hungry. Hungry. Hungry.

My belly thinks so. My brain thinks so. My mouth DEFINITELY thinks so. In fact I'm feeling the hunger in my mouth most of all- it wants to crunch into something! Grilled tomato and cheese. Apple. Apple grated into a sandwich. Black rice sushi. Last night I was eyeballing a box of beauty samples and wishing it was a box of high quality creamy chocolate. Assorted. Mmm.

It's funny because some days I'll be hungry for hours without bothering to cook... and it isn't an issue. But right now because I know I can't... I MUST HAVE. Urgh.

Only twenty minutes till the next shake.

I got my monthies last night, first time in about four months, which is excellent timing- I was about to start a medication to force it to start- so that's good news. Probably also explains why I'm craving stuff. 

Tried to garden away the hunger. After all... it was sunny outside. Why not?  It kind of worked- I got a third garden bed dug up, apple tree trimmed away from the cow and horse, and put an edge on one part of the first bed- but I gave up when it started to hail. Yeah. Fifteen minutes later it started to hail. Now half an hour LATER the sun is back out.

Gah. There's so many reasons to not eat. My brain knows this. But the physical senses and cravings are the ones that can't quite seem to understand the brain. One of the rapid loss side effects seems to be a headache as well. But I've been finding mineral water helps with the 'mouth cravings'. 

The competition should be motivating... it should be!... but right now it's hard enough to just get to 2pm without eating.

Trudging backwards... the marathon of shrinking the brain. Day 4.

Day one, I suppose.
...well, actually, it's closer to day four. I just haven't written anything yet. :)
So seeing as this is 'Your Story' time I thought I'd introduce myself. Let everyone know a bit of my history relating to weight loss! Warning- this is gonna be a long one.

Hello! I'm Cory, known to many as Sarah, and I'm just over 28 by about 22 days.  I've been overweight since I was about 11. I went to my grade six formal in a size 18 dress... oh my god, how I wish I could fit that dress these days! (I still have it somewhere.)
Maybe I'll put it on for my 'after' photo. :)
When I was about 15 I went into the children's hospital to do four weeks of optifast. Back then it was still new and they were paranoid so they checked my blood sugars and blood pressure three or four times a day. I was seriously bored and convinced them to let me go home after a week and a half.
Later at around 17, due to a bunch of stuff happening in my life, loss of friendships, father cheating and remarrying, physical and emotional abuse, probably also the result of years of bullying, I basically had a mental breakdown. There's no other word for it. My weight skyrocketed as I lost touch with reality- I ended up living through my writing but couldn't exist as 'Sarah'. Leaving the house was a terrible experiance and as I had no friends, I only had the internet, mum and my dog.
Saw lots of doctors during that time who were better at addressing the physical side of my health. I don't think anyone realised how serious my mental health state was- if they had I might have been comitted to a psych ward. Luckily they didn't. I don't know if it would have helped.
On the other side of that breakdown I started to get my mental state back together and realised I was now around 150kgs. It might seem odd to say I don't remember a lot of that time... but I don't. I remember a lot of writing, a lot of hiding, attempts at dieting on optifast... always a disaster... and that's about it.
I just started to wake up as if being asleep for years. 
It was at this time... I was about 21... after about three years on hte waiting list that I finally got my lapband.  This was ... not quite as easy as I expected. The surgeon was tough, my diet suddenly had to change, and I couldn't do a very good job. I got a job interstate and fled... full lapband in my tummy.
At 24 I moved to Queensland I lost about 50kgs, got to a wonderful 110kgs, but I wasn't living in a very healthy way. I was pretty depressed, competely overwhelmed as I wasn't quite recovered from my mental illness, and would skip whole meals or live off cups of tea. I did start walking a lot though.
It wasn't long after that job was over when my lapband slipped and  I needed to get surgery to get it repaired. While waiting the 8 weeks for the surgery I survived on fruit juice and tinned soup. I gained about 20kgs in eight weeks.  On top of that, while in Queensland, I injured my back (pinched nerve) and that's still not quite right.
Since Queensland I have gained it ALL back... and still have that lapband in my tummy. I hesitate to fill it again after it slipped... the thing I want most right now is to learn to loose weight and stay healthy without a painful band forcing it.
At the moment I am around 153kgs. It's the heaviest my current doctor has ever seen me at. I'm not in bad shape, not diabetic, good blood pressure, low cholestoral, but I know that with a BMI over 60 that could change at the drop fo a hat.  My body struggles though... I can get worn out in just a few hours of normal day to day stuff. Finding a way to exercise is going to be a challange for me.
I've tried so many diets it isn't funny. So this time... it's not about dieting. It's about teaching my brain to 'shrink'. To see clothing that's size 14 as 'normal'... to me they look as if they belong on a child and I actually make myself hold up a size 18 and say 'This is the size I should wear' over and over to myself. About eating the right size meal, telling myself it has stopped the hunger, and learning to accept that I don't need to feel full or bloated for the meal to be satisfying.
Maybe that's why I chose celebrity slim- I needed a few more 'flavours' to help my brain adjust to this. It's going to be tough. I'm already missing my usual rose and vanilla tea with brown sugar.
But you know what? :) It's not that bad. My heart's still happily pumping blood, I've started to overcome that severe depression (and I am training to become an art therapist to help others) and I've started 'love your body' weight loss group for local people to come walking with me... so as far as I'm concerned, celebrity slim is hopefully a more sustinable way to help my body recover.

So that's my story... and as this whole journey goes on, I might come back here and ramble more.